I’ve Been Messing Around

OK, things have been going horrible on the eating front, let’s just get that out there.

Worse, I have been consistently doing pretty great all day long (except for chewing a lot of gum during the day), only to just completely go off the deep end at the end of the day. And I mean, completely going overboard, not just having an extra snack, but like eating right out of the bag hundreds of calories. I am so mad at myself. Disgusted. And the scale reflects my bad behavior. And worse, I was feeling on the precipice of abs success, but that’s gone; and my ass is a crisis zone. I can feel the literally pounds of fat settling there.

And more room for being disgusted with myself. I’ve mentioned my terrible eating habits growing up. When I was 20 or so, I remember going into the store to buy a candy bar. Caramello bars were on sale 3 for a $1, so I bought 3. And then yes, I ate all 3 in one sitting. I was really angry with myself, and said “That’s it, I’m not eating candy bars anymore.” And I didn’t, truly, for nearly 20 years. I could have a dish of candy on my desk and never be tempted by it. And then a couple years ago at work, I was very stressed, and I had a candy bar. And then another, and another, and another. I literally ate like 20 fun size bars. And I have not been able to get back on the wagon. I would go a few months, then slip again, often just completely binging when I slipped.

Needless to say, the cleanse in December put me back on the wagon. And last weekend, during my day So Bad I Didn’t Even Log It, I ate peanut M&M’s. While reaching for them a voice in my head said “NO!! No candy, it’s been 2 months, don’t do it!!”, but I did it anyway. And yesterday I rummaged through my baking supplies, found a bag of M&M’s and ate a lot of them. I didn’t even like it really. What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh, and Friday night we went to the always awesome Banff Film Festival, where we watched films about incredible athletes. On the way home, I was listening to the Spartan Up podcast, which is really motivational stories of athletes and how they find success. What did I do on the drive home at 11 pm – you know, after almost making it “on track” for the day with my eating? Yeah, a milkshake from McDonald’s.

I woke up around 4 this morning, just really angry with myself. I finally got up around 5 (which is ungodly early for me; I really don’t get up that early unless there is an international vacation waiting for me). But I couldn’t sleep, I’m just so angry with myself. I got up, weighed myself (pretty well as bad as I thought it would be), and threw away the rest of the M&M’s bag.

OK, I’m back on again. I will mark a new starting point for No More Candy in my book. I will prepare my meals for the week. I will go to the gym today. I will stop eating crap after dinner. I really just have to stop eating after dinner, period. I just have to.

Now for a few pats on the back, because it hasn’t been 100% awful.

I did go to the gym 3 times this week. I did three strength sessions. I did cardio 3 times. I did yoga. I practiced the yoga tree-pose-airplane sequence on my own a few times. I got my stability chair set up at work on Thursday and used it exclusively after. I attended a training session via conference call and stood up for an hour of it – and while standing I alternated between standing on one leg (balance practice!) and doing butt squeezes. I upped the running speed on the treadmill another notch. One of the OCR’s I’m signed up for is having a free boot camp, and I actually e-mailed to see if I could participate (yeah, that’s a bit out of my comfort zone).

I would like to do the cleanse again, it’s just not a good time right now; it is also difficult to go to the gym while on it, so I’d really like to reset myself without going that route.  I can do this.

Today is a new day; I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I can endeavor not to repeat it. Just two months until my first OCR of the season!   Focus, focus!!!

For some fun: the highlight of the Banff Film Festival for me was the Alex Honnold-Cedar Wright Sufferfest 2.  For some world class athletes who have a great sense of humor, these short films are total awesomeness.

Sufferfest

Sufferfest 2

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